Lately, there’s been a huge rise in conversations about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance aka Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). Some of it has been incredibly validating for people who’ve never had language for what they experience. And some of it… well, some of it has gotten a little muddy.
Let’s name it gently: there are a lot of content creators right now framing PDA as a catch-all for any kiddo who resists doing things. And while the visibility is good, the oversimplification isn’t. It’s not that these creators mean harm. Many are trying to support families in real distress. But the result is that many parents are walking away convinced their child is PDA when what they’re actually seeing is demand avoidance…and those are not the same thing.
Demand Avoidance Is Common (and Valid)
Most neurodivergent people show demand avoidance in some way. Honestly, it’s a reasonable response to a world full of sensory overload, executive functioning challenges, and often inflexible expectations. Avoidance can show up as procrastination, shutdowns, meltdowns, or even hyperfocus on literally anything else but the thing you’re supposed to do. Sound familiar?
These responses make sense. But they don’t automatically mean someone is PDA.
So, What Makes PDA Different?
Pathological Demand Avoidance isn’t just about avoiding things you don’t want to do. It’s a specific Autistic profile where perceived demands trigger a threat response in the body. Not “I won’t.” Not “I don’t like this.” But “I can’t, because my nervous system has gone into literal survival mode.”
This is where the autonomic nervous system (ANS) comes in. For people with PDA, requests (even ones that seem minor, friendly, or just expected) can ignite the same kind of physiological response you’d expect from someone in danger. It’s not attitude. It’s not oppositional behavior. It’s the body protecting itself.
Why the Distinction Matters
When we blur the line between demand avoidance and PDA, we risk giving the wrong support to the wrong kid.
Sometimes, what looks like PDA is:
Learning from Lived Experience
I also want to acknowledge that some of the most important learning I’ve done around PDA has come from Kristy Forbes. Her work and her lived experience have changed how I show up...not just as a therapist, but as a parent and a person. From Kristy, I learned the concept and practice of radical acceptance...not performative tolerance, but deep, full-body acceptance of another person’s neurobiology and autonomy. That framework has helped me unlearn old patterns, center safety, and offer more meaningful support. I’m so grateful for everything she has shared; it’s made me better in every role I hold.
Let’s name it gently: there are a lot of content creators right now framing PDA as a catch-all for any kiddo who resists doing things. And while the visibility is good, the oversimplification isn’t. It’s not that these creators mean harm. Many are trying to support families in real distress. But the result is that many parents are walking away convinced their child is PDA when what they’re actually seeing is demand avoidance…and those are not the same thing.
Demand Avoidance Is Common (and Valid)
Most neurodivergent people show demand avoidance in some way. Honestly, it’s a reasonable response to a world full of sensory overload, executive functioning challenges, and often inflexible expectations. Avoidance can show up as procrastination, shutdowns, meltdowns, or even hyperfocus on literally anything else but the thing you’re supposed to do. Sound familiar?
These responses make sense. But they don’t automatically mean someone is PDA.
So, What Makes PDA Different?
Pathological Demand Avoidance isn’t just about avoiding things you don’t want to do. It’s a specific Autistic profile where perceived demands trigger a threat response in the body. Not “I won’t.” Not “I don’t like this.” But “I can’t, because my nervous system has gone into literal survival mode.”
This is where the autonomic nervous system (ANS) comes in. For people with PDA, requests (even ones that seem minor, friendly, or just expected) can ignite the same kind of physiological response you’d expect from someone in danger. It’s not attitude. It’s not oppositional behavior. It’s the body protecting itself.
Why the Distinction Matters
When we blur the line between demand avoidance and PDA, we risk giving the wrong support to the wrong kid.
Sometimes, what looks like PDA is:
- Anxiety + sensory overload
- A trauma response
- Executive dysfunction
- A need for agency
- Or honestly, just a child being pushed too hard, too often
Learning from Lived Experience
I also want to acknowledge that some of the most important learning I’ve done around PDA has come from Kristy Forbes. Her work and her lived experience have changed how I show up...not just as a therapist, but as a parent and a person. From Kristy, I learned the concept and practice of radical acceptance...not performative tolerance, but deep, full-body acceptance of another person’s neurobiology and autonomy. That framework has helped me unlearn old patterns, center safety, and offer more meaningful support. I’m so grateful for everything she has shared; it’s made me better in every role I hold.
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