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Can we please stop expecting more from children than we expect of adults?

6/12/2025

 
A two-panel, colorful digital illustration contrasts adult and child expectations. The left panel, with a beige background, is titled “If adults were treated like kids…” and shows a frustrated adult figure with three speech bubbles around them. The bubbles read: “No, you can’t have coffee, and I don’t need to explain why,” “Use your kind voice,” and “You can go to school at 2:17.” The right panel, with a light teal background, is titled “What we expect from kids every day” and shows a tired-looking child sitting at a desk with their hand on their face, a stack of books, and a large yellow clock. The colors are bold but balanced, with a playful, cartoon style.
Alright, I am climbing on my soapbox today... 
We hold children to higher standards of behavior than we hold adults. We expect them to sit still, follow directions, accept “no” without rational explanation, keep calm in public, and regulate every big emotion, on cue.

And yet, most adults struggle to do even half of that. We tune out during meetings. We get cranky when we’re tired. We avoid tasks that don’t interest us. We push back on rules that feel unfair. We complain when someone says no without offering a reason.

So why are we demanding more composure, more patience, and more flexibility from children than we expect from ourselves?

A soft-toned digital illustration divided diagonally with light yellow in the top left and pale blue in the bottom right. On the left side, two quotes by Ross Greene are displayed in bold text: “They’re not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.” in burnt orange, and “Kids do well when they can.” in muted purple, both enclosed in quotation marks and attributed to Ross Greene. On the right, a calm adult woman with medium-dark skin and dark hair sits cross-legged beside a distressed boy with brown skin and short dark hair. Both are barefoot, sitting on grass in a simple, flat-style illustration. The overall tone is gentle and affirming.
Children Are Learning. That’s the Whole Point.
A lot of the time, what adults label as “bad behavior” is actually just a child doing their best with what they’ve got. Clinical psychologist Mona Delahooke reminds us that when we see behavior as communication, it stops being something we need to “fix” and starts being something we can understand.

If a child is melting down, shutting down, or saying no, there’s a reason. They’re not trying to make your life hard. They’re trying to manage something inside them that feels too big, too fast, or just too much. What they need in that moment isn’t punishment or shame. It’s support.

Kids Do Well When They Can
That phrase, coined by Dr. Ross Greene, should be at the foundation of how we interact with children. If a child could meet the expectation, they would. So when they can’t, we need to shift from blame to curiosity. What’s in the way? What skills or support are missing?

Dr. Greene’s work reminds us that collaboration and empathy go a lot further than control and consequence. When we approach kids with understanding instead of demands, we don’t just get better behavior...we build better relationships.



​They're Not Projects. They're People.

We have to stop trying to shape kids into what’s easiest for adults. Alfie Kohn, who’s written extensively about parenting and education, points out that many of our systems reward obedience over authenticity. That’s not preparing kids for adulthood. That’s conditioning them to suppress themselves.

Children learn best when they’re trusted. Not when they’re micromanaged. Not when every move is measured and evaluated. And not when we act like their job is to perform for adult approval.

Especially for neurodivergent children, the pressure to “comply” can be exhausting. They’re often pulled through endless programs, therapies, and interventions designed to make them appear more socially acceptable. But that’s not the same as meeting their actual needs.

We don’t need more kids who can mask their distress. We need kids who are safe enough to be themselves.

Being Bored Isn’t a Problem. It’s a Need.
Unstructured time is not a waste. It’s where the good stuff happens. When a child is “doing nothing,” they might be regulating. Or processing. Or dreaming. Or coming up with something wildly creative. Or maybe they’re just resting...and that’s more than okay.

Most adults fantasize about having a day without obligations. And yet we pack children’s schedules with structured activity, then panic when they say they’re bored. But boredom is healthy. It invites invention. It allows the nervous system to settle. It makes space for autonomy.

Letting a child be bored isn’t neglect. It’s a gift.

Noncompliance Can Be a Sign of Growth
Kristy Forbes, an Autistic advocate and educator, teaches about “radical acceptance”—the idea that children are not broken, and they don’t need to be reshaped to fit into narrow boxes. Noncompliance isn’t always defiance. Sometimes it’s a child protecting their dignity. Sometimes it’s them listening to their body. Sometimes it’s a protest against a system that feels unsafe.

We need to stop treating resistance like a red flag. Kids who say no are practicing self-advocacy. Kids who question rules are learning to think critically. Those aren’t flaws. Those are skills they’ll need as adults.

The irony is, we often say we want children to grow up to be bold, independent thinkers, but we punish those traits when they show up in childhood.

A soft, hand-drawn digital illustration set in a peaceful meadow filled with wildflowers and tall green plants. On the left, a dark-skinned adult with long black hair lies on a blue mat, eyes closed, resting calmly. To the right, a light-skinned child with curly red hair sits cross-legged nearby, reading a book. The background uses warm, muted colors to evoke calm and safety. Above them, in script font, the text reads: “Rest is not earned. It’s necessary.” Below them, in the same font, it says: “Model boundaries. Protect your energy. Give yourself compassion too.” The tone is gentle and restorative.
Give Them Compassion. And Give Yourself Some Too.
​

This isn’t just about children. It’s about us. If you, an adult, need rest after a long day, it’s okay. If you check out during something boring, it’s okay. If you say no to things that drain you, that’s healthy.

I know I have a very short tolerance for things that don’t interest me. I check out fast. So I don’t expect kids to give their full attention to something that’s boring to them either. Why would they?

Let’s normalize rest. Let’s normalize boundaries. Let’s model what it means to listen to your body, to pause, to protect your energy.

Children don’t need to earn rest. They don’t need to be fixed. They don’t need to perform for adults in order to be seen as “good.” What they need is freedom to be who they are, support when things are hard, and relationships that are built on trust instead of control.

And honestly? We could all use more of that.

Understanding PDA: it’s not just “demand avoidance”

6/6/2025

 
A colorful graphic with four background quadrants in yellow, orange, red, and pink. On the left, the text reads: “Understanding PDA: Not Just ‘Demand Avoidance.’” On the right, there is a silhouette of a human head with a warning triangle and exclamation mark inside, symbolizing internal alert or stress.
Lately, there’s been a huge rise in conversations about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance aka Pervasive Drive for Autonomy). Some of it has been incredibly validating for people who’ve never had language for what they experience. And some of it… well, some of it has gotten a little muddy.
Let’s name it gently: there are a lot of content creators right now framing PDA as a catch-all for any kiddo who resists doing things. And while the visibility is good, the oversimplification isn’t. It’s not that these creators mean harm. Many are trying to support families in real distress. But the result is that many parents are walking away convinced their child is PDA when what they’re actually seeing is demand avoidance…and those are not the same thing.

Demand Avoidance Is Common (and Valid)
Most neurodivergent people show demand avoidance in some way. Honestly, it’s a reasonable response to a world full of sensory overload, executive functioning challenges, and often inflexible expectations. Avoidance can show up as procrastination, shutdowns, meltdowns, or even hyperfocus on literally anything else but the thing you’re supposed to do. Sound familiar?
These responses make sense. But they don’t automatically mean someone is PDA.

So, What Makes PDA Different?
Pathological Demand Avoidance isn’t just about avoiding things you don’t want to do. It’s a specific Autistic profile where perceived demands trigger a threat response in the body. Not “I won’t.” Not “I don’t like this.” But “I can’t, because my nervous system has gone into literal survival mode.”
This is where the autonomic nervous system (ANS) comes in. For people with PDA, requests (even ones that seem minor, friendly, or just expected) can ignite the same kind of physiological response you’d expect from someone in danger. It’s not attitude. It’s not oppositional behavior. It’s the body protecting itself.

Why the Distinction Matters
When we blur the line between demand avoidance and PDA, we risk giving the wrong support to the wrong kid.
Sometimes, what looks like PDA is:
  • Anxiety + sensory overload
  • A trauma response
  • Executive dysfunction
  • A need for agency
  • Or honestly, just a child being pushed too hard, too often
That’s not PDA. That’s a nervous system asking for accommodations. his isn’t about gatekeeping. It’s about getting it right so the child’s nervous system can feel safe and the adults around them can respond in a way that’s actually helpful. PDA is real. So is demand avoidance. But they’re not interchangeable. In my opinion collapsing them into one category does more harm than good.

Learning from Lived Experience
I also want to acknowledge that some of the most important learning I’ve done around PDA has come from Kristy Forbes. Her work and her lived experience have changed how I show up...not just as a therapist, but as a parent and a person. From Kristy, I learned the concept and practice of radical acceptance...not performative tolerance, but deep, full-body acceptance of another person’s neurobiology and autonomy. That framework has helped me unlearn old patterns, center safety, and offer more meaningful support. I’m so grateful for everything she has shared; it’s made me better in every role I hold.

    A smiling woman with light skin, shoulder-length dark brown hair, and large dark-framed glasses. She is wearing a maroon top with a black cardigan and a delicate necklace. The background is white, and the image is cropped in a circular frame. Picture of Amy Grant

    Author

    Amy Grant is a licensed Speech-Language Pathologist and Clinic Director of Therapy Center of Buda. Special Focus: Autism/ ADHD

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WHAT OUR PARENTS SAY 

I am so happy with the care my daughter gets here. Everyone is helpful and patient. Amy took extra time 
with me and my wife to explain exactly what was happening with my daughter and explain how therapy was going to help. I love that she involves us in the sessions and we have seen major improvements. I would recommend this clinic to anyone!
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I can't say enough about how much my son has progressed and continues to progress in their care. The love and compassion, professional atmosphere, and top notch therapists make this place the best in central Texas. We are forever grateful to Amy Grant, Miss Angeli, Suzie and Brandi.


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